I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
