We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
