So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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