I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
