we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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