she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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