yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
