maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So here I am, sexting at work.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize