I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
