My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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