mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
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