Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
