we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
