Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
