it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
