my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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