her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
