there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
