I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
