You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Randomize
