areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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