dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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