Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
