my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
