I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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