the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
