Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
