just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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