just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
