Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
