Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
