barbara walters just said penis...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
