hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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