I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
