you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
