They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
