Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
