i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
