My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
