I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
