Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
