Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Drunk is not a location!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
