he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
