if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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