I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
