You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We need a shit load of segways right now
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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