Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
