My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
