I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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