I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
