I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
