I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
