Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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