I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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