Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
