the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Let's get the cat blown out
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
