I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Boobs speak an international language.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize